Moving beyond numbness and pain

JD says, “I am trapped by my past and want to move on, but have no idea how. My junior high advanced placement math teacher came into where I work the other day. She was great when I was in her classes; she even gave me my first job then even though I had just gotten off the streets. Anyways, her only comment was “you are still here?” and she looked so disappointed. I know I am a screw up and a failure but she just brought all that home to me. I know that my childhood was far from perfect and I am trying to deal with it, but I just can’t seem to move forward. So instead I numb with alcohol and razor blades–old coping techniques for old pain.

Dearest one, dearest JD, yes you are numb.  Your secrets are not  only your past but now you have allowed them to become your prison.  And the only one with the key to release you from this prison is you.  Blessed one, choose to find joy.

Your past has not only created the negative that you struggle in, but the positive of who you are.  You came into this life a great, radiant one, ancient one. And you have stayed in a place of no growth and that is why you are full of self anger, self hatred.  You must now find self love.  So stop, be in the moment, to feel life around you.  It is only a matter of choosing.  Your thoughts are all from the negative and they need now to be healed.  Choose a positive thought, whether it is to speak with someone you feel safe with, someone who is loving but not judging.

Do not be surprised that many now, even though you have not spoken it, are aware of the turmoil that you are in.  Each of them wants to help.  But you must find the one you trust to speak openly about it.  If you see no one to speak to, then sit in front of a mirror and look into your own beautiful eyes.  See the tears that run down your face, feel the very pain that all this life you are choosing to stay in, is causing for you.

If you feel it without trying to numb it, or cause another pain greater than it, you can choose to go beyond it.  Feel it, see it, and then you can  choose and say yes.  Yes, it is a part of you but it is not all of you.   There is a stronger, more radiant part that is asking the question and seeking to find the light within.  There is so much within you my blessed one.  There are so many things you can do and be that will allow you to find joy for yourself.

No more secrets.  Speak honestly.  You can do this my blessed one.  Take small steps.  Do not be afraid.  Instead of numbing yourself, allow yourself to feel.  Instead of being stoic and putting on the artificial persona, be tearful, have emotions.  Be human, my loved one, for that is what you have come to be.  And most of all do not be afraid to be you.  For you are radiant and beautiful.  Just begin and it shall be.

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  1. Pam July 18, 2010 at 10:13 pm - Reply

    I have avoided intimacy for many years. I really want to dive deep into a wonderful soul connection. Can you see me getting Married and having this in the Future ?

  2. j.d. August 6, 2010 at 1:47 pm - Reply

    I appreciate what you have written and I am trying, but I cannot seem to find any compassion for myself and am unable to cry, especially for myself. The feelings that have surfaced have been so filled with guilt and anger and inability to feel anything positive. I have begun working with a psychic energy worker but feel I am wasting her time. But mostly I just wanted to say thank you! I do appreciate someone taking the time to respond.

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