Feeling lost and not knowing how to move forward
Elizabeth writes, “I think I’m lost, I feel very inadequate. I was doing well, enjoying my life, very happy. Then something happened and it all went downhill. Problem is that I don’t know what happened, its like I’m two people in one. I’m adamant that I don’t want to continue living unless I have a partner, while my other self finds the whole idea ridiculous. The other day while driving on the highway I wanted to crash so that I could die. I can’t handle the pain this is giving me. I can’t shake her off, its like another person is here with me… am I going a little crazy? or maybe I’m making it up because I’m not doing well as I hoped in my new job. Would you be able to point at my problem? maybe by looking at it I can fix it. I don’t want to bother my mother anymore either, I dislike bothering people.”
Dearest Elizabeth, perhaps you dislike bothering yourself. You feel to blame for the relationship collapse. It is not so and you are already starting to feel stronger. Let us begin by saying it was good even though you feel very much angst about it. This was not a growing relationship and you enjoyed the fact that it was not growing. But you also knew that it was not a healthy thing. You knew that there was a part of you being held in one place instead of moving forward. And perhaps you were doing this a little of yourself. Dearest one, the most constant thing of life in the physical domain is growth, choices. That is what it is about.
You have much to live for. You needed this time to take comfort with other beings. Others love to help. And your mother has always been a difficult one for you. Fragile or strong you have never decided which it was. Be who you are, dearest one. It is not about growing up, it is about being. Your life, your path, it has magic in it. It is only because of your hurt at this time you do not see it, but you shall. Just go forward at this time, one step at a time, blessing these feet, blessing this body that carries this amazing elixir of you and know that there is great purpose.
You don’t have to have all of the information right now. Do not think of what was or could have been but see that amazing path you have created to grow, to experience, to be. This is a time where there is great growth happening within you. You will feel exhausted. You will feel fed up. It is not surprising. But there is a deep passion within you that you must fulfill.
I know how this person feels. I am trapped by my past and want to move on, but have no idea how. My junior high advanced placement math teacher came into where I work the other day. She was great when I was in her classes, she even gave me my first job then even though I had just gotten off the streets. Anyways, her only comment was “you are still here?” and she looked so disappointed. I know I am a screw up and a failure but she just brought all that home to me. I know that my childhood was far from perfect and I am trying to deal with it, but I just can’t seem to move forward. So instead I numb with alcohol and razor blades. Old coping techniques for old pain.