Thank you in advance to the Guides and the Good Ladies for your time :-)

I know it is a cliché to ask why God has abandoned you but in my case it is so obvious that not only God but the Universe and Angels loathe me and won’t even acknowledge me, and I want to know what is so repugnant about my so-called soul.

I am sick of hearing about self-love. I would have to be mentally ill to love myself when every person who ever claimed to love me has either abandoned or betrayed me. My parents hated me before I was born because they were pregnant and “had to” get married and they used me as a punching bag. My mind has blocked out much memory but there may have been sexual abuse as well as the endless physical violence and emotional torture. I remember floating on the ceiling watching but couln’t see clearly ……. My parents put on a public show of perfection that could have won an Oscar and my other relatives refused to acknowledge – probably even to themselves. Certainly not one ever helped me. My father had me committed to reform school when I was 14 as a prostitute: but I was a virgin. He lied. He thought they would keep me locked up there forever and he would be free of the unwanted child, but they eventualy freed me and after my mother took off, one day he casually informed me that he had rented a home for him and my sister in another town, and that I was out on the street. I was still a virgin and beautiful and I somehow attracted every predator within miles. I felt like I was in hell. While I was incarcerated I missed a couple of cousins’ weddings and my mother says that is why not one of my cousins will speak to me today, 40 years later. They are good productive normal people, better people than me I suppose , but they are also dizzyingly judgemental and condemning and they called me a freak because I chose not to marry and thus “am not one of them”. I tried to build relationships with several of them but was rejected and now truly do feel like a “freak of nature” and ashamed. I am cordial with my sister but my mother had caused a split between us for years because , she said, she was jealous that my sister and I were close friends and she “felt left out” , so my sister is now friendly again ,but never loved me either – how could she when I was demonized by my parents’ hatred of me as the cause of their unwanted marriage? I am sad but completely understanding and forgiving of my sister.

All my life I attracted people of every sort like moths to a flame, who told me that no-one had ever been so kind, supprtive, not even their own families, and they would never forget my compassion for them when they needed it, etc etc, and they were completely sincere when they said they love me, but now that I am seriously ill and need some comfort and support and kindness myself, I have virtually not one friend left in this world, about half because they don’tlike disabled people and half because I have made Hurculean efforts at spiritual growth in the past few years and I could not continue the friendships: they all have many admirable qualities and more financial and social success than I could achieve in a million years but as I grew more and more compassionate and empathetic, it became literally physically painful to absorb their judgementalism and condemnation against homeless people, addicts, poor people, unfashionable people and, ironically, disabled people: I can no longer hold a job and they find my poverty distasteful .

I am middle-aged now and have a terminal illness, which is accompanied by increasing disability and poverty of course, and am stuck at home with my severely disturbed mother . I have forgiven and asked forgiveness from everyone who ever hurt me to my highest capacity (so far), even my (deceased) father and mother for the attempted homicides and their overwhelming deliberate destruction of my life, but my mother, who still puts on a false maternal persona in public, admits that she finds forgiveness a weakness and is proud of her vengefulness and other negative traits because she feels powerful ……. She brings home foods which are very dangerous with my illness and medications, takes phone messages for me from my surgeons etc and does not tell me, even admits to deliberately ruining every day for me deliberately with hate and negativity .

I have absolutely no place to escape to.

I met what has since been described to me by several psychics (erroneously or not?) as like what they call a Twin Soul, who has been and will be with me forever, but he died quickly. I am unconditionally in love with him (and if you are what you say you are you will know that that love has been sorely tested and I do not use the word “unconditionally” lightly, as most do, so erronously!) and told that we “emanated from Source “ together and that he is always by my side and that after this life we will go into a new life and a new realm together, but now I’m told that my advancement is disrupted by my challenges – I AM ALWAYS TOLD ALL MY LIFE THAT I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH, AM NOT ACHIEVING ENOUGH, NOT EVEN THE DAMMED ANGELS ACKNOWLEDGE MY TREMENDOUS EFFORTS!!!!!
Even this beloved of mine has never ever even once said he loves me!!!!! I have been too hurt, betrayed and lied to at every turn, and I am sick of hearing that I am supposed to skip around loving myself and “be grateful” in order to grow: I have no family, no love, am lied to, betrayed, abandoned, am disabled, impoverished, in constant pain ‘round the clock, hated for being born, my childhood stolen, cut dead by my relatives as punishment — what the hell is to be grateful for??? So now it seems that my beloved will be abandoning me to move into a new realm without me because I can’t be a healer as I am told I can (yet another thing I have to do) and can’t fight out from under these burdens– I live in absolute mortal terror of reincarnation, I dream of ceasing to exist, and I am sick to death of being told that life is a glorious experience and that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle – I can’t even breath much anymore, can’t feel love enter or exit my heart, can’t remember what hope felt like, or happiness – feels like I am turning to stone and I wish i was, wish i will just cease to exist completely and forever.

I just want to know what putrid horror I am in my soul that the universe loathes me and takes so much pleasure in tormenting me, blames me for not being grateful and turns away from me.