Restless and seeking
Starr writes, “It feels like something is missing in my life and so I keep traveling to try and ¨find myself¨ and in doing so I gave up everything I had, including a wonderful man. I am trying to follow my heart, but it’s often conflicted. I think I get caught up in what I’m feeling at a particular moment and make quick decisions without truly thinking them through. I guess it’s like, is the grass really greener on the other side? Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t, but you don’t know that until you go through with it. But if you don’t try, you always would have wondered. This has always been my life philosophy but so far in my life it’s never worked out. But yet I still can’t shake this feeling that I have to know more, to feel more, to be more. This feeling always creeps up on me when everything in my life is good. What if there’s something else?
But as of late I am truly starting to realize that sometimes what I have in front of me is really all I need. My question is, is it too late? I have a lot of regrets about leaving this man. But now we are worlds apart and experiencing different things in our lives. We are growing apart whether we like it or not. And I’ve told him how I feel. I don’t know how he feels about me anymore. Is there is even a chance we will get back together next year. I know I need to start living my life for me and I intend to try, but should I keep it in my sights that we will be together again, or just let it go? Walking away from him feels like the worst mistake of my life. But I just don’t know why I can’t ever be content? What else is it that I’m searching for? Is it a man? Is it my heart? My destiny? Where do I need to go to find it, or do I have it right in front of me? I am very lost, please help.”
Dearest one, you were raised under an attitude that all the important knowledge lay outside of you and none within, that you were not a part of the great world. And so of course I’m not surprised that you’ve been busy looking, chasing, reading, seeking, taking great wisdom from others, not thinking that there is great wisdom within you. But there is, yes, as you very well know in the deepest part of Starr. Be still. See the cloak that you wear, its richness. None of your seeking has gone unknown. It has helped you to realize that you have within you great knowledge, great power. But like the great artists of the world you must create that that you are. Allow it to come forward, to be. It is not that you will not at some point see the reflection of yourself through a love’s eyes. But it is more important right now to love yourself in your own eyes. See yourself. Witness your own life.
You have judged yourself harshly lately and you are angry with your pursuit of something that…. Well, but can you be surprised by all that you have read, saying what you must do and not do and eat and not eat and be and not be. Back and forth, up and down, you’re exhausted. You’re exhausted seeking the truth, and did it lie right before you? In your own heart? In your own being?
Wise. Wise one. Let me tell you, you have been a sage many times. In the native cultures you have taught the story. You spent so much time seeking it when it was within. Looking for permission; this came from an early time in your life. Seek not permission from others now my dear, but from yourself. No, you do not need a ritual, you do not need a course, you do not need a book; you need you. Your connection with the universe your connection with the power that be, whether you call it God, Tao, Mother Energy. To walk barefoot on your plane of learning, to understand that you are rooted deep within its history and its life. You have been disappointed by so many because you are seeking something that you long ago learned. So be not disappointed. Seek not that that was; be. As to the relationship, if you can be as honest with this one as you are to yourself, then the choices might be different. Play no games, be my child. For you are radiant and beautiful.
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