Lyn asks about her stepson Kurt, who was in a loving, caring relationship for a few months with Amy. While Kurt was away at Christmas she betrayed him. When he returned she told him about it and he was prepared to forgive and support her while she worked on some personal issues. Shortly after that she became detached and decided it was best for the relationship to end. Lyn says, “I don’t feel she is being completely honest with him.” She asks, “Is there anything in this relationship for him or should he just accept that it is over? Thank you for your wisdom.”
We will first address the mother, Lyn’s concerns. She needs to give love to her son in compassionate listening, not making any attempt to change or judge or instruct on how he should proceed. This young man very much loves the woman and is in deep pain and confusion. It has not been clear to him for he has truly been feeling wanted and not wanted all at once. And in his confusion he doesn’t trust his own decisions, his own free will at this time. So the best thing for him is to take no action, but to be still and to answer what he needs for himself, the time to heal.
As to the young woman, in her attempt to create action within him, she stirred up a lot of action within herself. Unanswered questions have come to the point that she feels she must answer them now, and is very confused as well. If it were possible for both beings to sit down with another being and speak honestly and openly about all questions they have and are afraid to ask, there could be forward growth in this relationship. But if they choose not to, they must move forward and this most likely will be. Healing themselves, finding a place of peace within themselves, to move forward.
The pain that the woman asking the question feels is her own pain. She knows what it is like to be shunned by someone she loves. She knows this pain and wishes very much to heal it in others, but will understand as well that he must do (and she must do) for themselves. It does not mean that she cannot be compassionate and supportive, but realize that they must what their inner beings will tell them to do.
I know as parents we always want to keep our children from feeling any pain.
Yes, it is a natural thing. For very often this is how we feel. And the greatest growing occurs when you stand and love them, and watch them grow. Not choosing for them. Knowing that in the time you have been with them you have taught and they have learned. And now they must trust and you must trust.