Someone who calls herself “Doesn’t Matter” sent in a question about her very difficult life and circumstances. She writes: I know it is a cliché to ask why God has abandoned you but in my case it is so obvious that not only God but the Universe and Angels loathe me and won’t even acknowledge me, and I want to know what is so repugnant about my so-called soul. …..
I have been too hurt, betrayed and lied to at every turn, and I am sick of hearing that I am supposed to skip around loving myself and “be grateful” in order to grow: I have no family, no love, am lied to, betrayed, abandoned, am disabled, impoverished, in constant pain ‘round the clock, hated for being born, my childhood stolen, cut dead by my relatives as punishment — what the hell is to be grateful for??? So now it seems that my beloved will be abandoning me to move into a new realm without me because I can’t be a healer as I am told I can (yet another thing I have to do) and can’t fight out from under these burdens– I live in absolute mortal terror of reincarnation, I dream of ceasing to exist, and I am sick to death of being told that life is a glorious experience and that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle – I can’t even breath much anymore, can’t feel love enter or exit my heart, can’t remember what hope felt like, or happiness – feels like I am turning to stone and I wish i was, wish i will just cease to exist completely and forever.
I just want to know what putrid horror I am in my soul that the universe loathes me and takes so much pleasure in tormenting me, blames me for not being grateful and turns away from me.
The guide’s response:
I want to say to you—please stop hurting yourself. If you write it “doesn’t matter” for attention it is one thing, but if you truly believe that you do not matter you would not have even asked this question. You seek. This is a wonderful thing to do for you do believe–even though you are angry at the world.
You are lonely but you have built a barrier so high around you that no one can get through. How do you begin to put down this barrier when you are so angry?
You have not lost your way. You are a highly intellectual being that wants very much to have the picture perfect existence, blessed one. Picture perfect to whose eyes? To whose judgement? If you truly understand or have the capacity to see into the lives of others, picture perfect is only about an instant in time, that picture. Perfection is truly a path that has valleys and peaks for that creates friction and that creates growth.
You are a being of energy, a soul, a spirit that entered into this life through these beings for a purpose: for yourself to grow and for those parents to grow. Much of your great frustration is that much of the learning did not occur. They did not grow. And so, in your attempts to grow you were constantly battling against that and the great disappointment in it. You know yourself you always felt wiser than them. But through compassion you did want to love them and still do.
You create illusions. Often lonely, sad children do that. They create what could be perfect and how it should be. They are often very spiritually strong and have the capacity to tap into other existences they have had and pick out the best parts and stay within those realms and dream. You probably have lost many hours in the physical world in states of dreamlike places for your mind to be.
You deny yourself, through a state of anger and that has created a huge burden around you, a burden for yourself to be seen through, or to allow others for you to see. You did create to have your own, many of the actions you have created worlds around them that are not totally true–but if they are not true by you, then they are your truth.
How to stop this treadmill?
You have created a disorder within your body, a great negativity creating a huge destruction of some cells. This can be alleviated, but you must step off this realm of uncertainty and anger by choosing. Choose to find that ray of sunshine in your light.
You do want to love yourself and you have the capacity to love others. You said so yourself. And you love a flower. Can you love a part of this physical world that you created for yourself to be in? Begin with slow, baby steps if you really want to see the wonder of who you be. See the wonder of truly, the world that is there.
Step away from those worlds of negativity that keep bringing you back to a place long ago, a prisoner of your own world. Step out of it and see the beauty that is there, that that is perfect, that is there for you. In your mind you fill enough of the negative; yet you seek to find the love and peace that is present. You often see it in reading, or share it in a song and then the anger clouds again. To turn off the anger you must choose to step away from it. It is an old pattern that holds you back.
What have you done to deserve the opportunity to grow and to be? You are a most beautiful being. All beings deserve the right to attempt to grow. Whether they choose to or not, is up to them as they move through a path. You are very loveable, but allow them to see you. Put down the anger. Do not rebuff with a negative statement. If you feel so angry then do not speak and look into the eyes of those that want to touch you. Remove yourself from negativity whenever possible.
The greatest way to remove negativity from your life is to fill it with light and love. If a being stands before you and you feel they are negative, open your heart to them, not by words. Imagine your heart opening in a shower of brilliant light passing through you to them, surrounding them. It will dissolve all negativity. It will disarm them. And it will give you peace.
Blessed one, I speak to your being, your spirit: Know that you are loved and that you are not alone, and there are many. And if you believe in any way that you are not a healer then you must get rid of that negative voice, for you are. You know you are. You want me to tell you this. Healing another being is not changing and judging what they should be, or the outcome of their state. It is giving them energy, love. What they choose to do with it is their choice, not yours. What you choose to do with the love that is given to you is your choice. I am giving you love.
Bless you my child.