Love yourself immensely to heal past childhood wounds
What was my life like when I lived with my mom and dad? I remember seeing a white man in the bathroom sticking a needle in his arm while blood dripped onto the floor. I was told my dad shot my mom while she held me in her arms. I remember feeling very sad and wanting to die when I was taken from my mom. I remember my mom leaving me in a church when I found out it was someone else holding my hand instead of her. I did not know my dad loved me until after he died. One thing that hurt me was knowing I did not have my mom and dad, so what was there to be happy about.
My dearest one, this is painful but wonderful for you to be still with it. To think about it in the stillness and open your heart and realize you are now the adult and you can parent yourself, and you can love yourself, but allow the child with feelings to be present. It was complete chaos in your early life, just as many have tried to tell you that you were not safe there. You even have had the experience of being drugged yourself. There were many situations that were very difficult, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you needed to have a mother and father love you, for that is what a child sees and desires more than anything.
A child believes that even an abusive mother is the only mother they have, and so they love them, and it is acceptable to them. Now that you have an adult mind, you can know that it wasn’t a safe situation for you. But from it all I want you to take this: that at the beginning you were very much loved. Yes, there were certain situations and drugs that took away their ability to choose clearly and lovingly for you, and it just came down to a matter of survival for them, and they didn’t think about you. But they hoped that you would be taken care of and be loved because they were not as strong. They saw in you a magnificent light and knew that you had come to teach them a great deal, but they did not have the power or the strength to be there with you. The chaos that reigned had nothing to do with you.
Unfortunately, when you were removed you were not terribly well either for some time. Now, in your adult life you still long to have that mother and child relationship, or the father and child relationship. I want you to dig deep inside of your being and know that it is there. There is a strong sense of loving you and it comes from you and that is exactly how it must be for you, my dearest. You are an amazing being and have much to give this world, and a lot of that that you have experienced you see in others instantly. You often want to help them and that is what you are learning a great deal about right now, that is how to help others deal with their pain by you continuing to deal with yours.
It won’t go away, it doesn’t disappear, and it becomes who you are and you make peace with it and in time you forgive them for they did, what they did because they knew no better. But you do, and you are wise. Forgive them, love them, love yourself immensely, my dear, and know you are not alone.
Bless you my child.