Broken Spirit writes, “I honestly don’t know where to start. My life is such a mess. I lost both my parents this past May (unrelated deaths, 9 days apart). This alone was devastating and I still find it difficult to put one foot in front of the other some days. I’ve had two failed marriages, both ending with betrayal and a breaking of trust, leaving me with severe, inhibiting trust issues. Until very recently, I’ve been with a wonderful man in a long distance, online relationship for slightly more than five years. He’s been amazing and caring and devoted; better to me than I’ve ever deserved. During the course of my mother’s year long battle with cancer, we sort of drifted apart. It was partly my fault for sheltering him from my pain; partly his, as he found his own interests elsewhere. When we did catch up, our conversations were strained and fragmented, talking about totally different things. Don’t get me wrong: there was still more love there than most people ever experience, but somehow, we just lost the connection, although never the love.
In the meantime, I became involved with another lovely man (very much like me, maybe too much) and I was having fun for the first time in a long time. I do love this other man as well, but the love is different. I can’t seem to get this first man out of my head,in spite of our differences and the difficult times we shared. He is with me all the time in everything i do, everything i think about. The other man is convinced he as some uncanny hold over me. Ultimately, our problem was and is his need for moving to a real life relationship, and even though I too want it, my trust has been so destroyed that I’m literally terrified to let someone get that close to myself and my learning disabled daughter. I want to move beyond it all, to give this a chance, but something strong, some force holds me back. It feels sometimes as if I’m destined to stay in this little shell I’ve built around myself and my daughter. Yet I know there’s much more to be explored, if I can see my way clear. I jut wish I knew what the right thing for me was. And I’m grateful for any light you might be able to shed on it all. Thank you so much in advance.
Please do not call yourself Broken Spirit, as this cannot be. A spirit never breaks, child; it grows. It may feel misplaced in a time of no growth or movement and this can be very much feel like being lost. You have been amazing on your path. You have stepped forward many times, trusting and being strong and whole so that others can find a safe place to fall within you. You have done this many times and have not the taken time to heal your being in between, which is very necessary for healers such as yourself. You are not seeking a fantasy. You seek reality.
For it is reality that has created the greatest growth for you my child. You are tired of work. You seek truth, being present. You know this within your being. You know you have not yet finished healing from all that you have experienced. You see, my dearest, with each experience that you experience–all sadness, all loss (from not only from this life you be in, but those previous)–from all of these you bring the learning forward with you. So, as you evolve it does not get easier, dearest. It gets more difficult, more intense, until you get to the place where you need to stop and be with it. Embrace it, breathe with it, honor it, heal your being and then move forward. As to this new romance or old romance, it is best for you to just be right now and enjoy all that is present for you. Seek not to put all your eggs into one basket but allow them to mature to what they need to be. You are not losing time and you will not destruct, even though you’ve had thoughts of it. You are a great healer. Give yourself time. I will speak to you again, blessed one.