AJ Adams asks about handling an issue with her husband. She says, “We are in a transitionary time right now. I have just graduated college, a task that took me several of our adult years to finish. The student loans are substantial, and we have a small honeymoon period before I have to start to pay for them. My husband is nervous over money. I fear he is starting to resent me because he doesn’t think I will be able to bring in enough money, and therefore we will be financially stressed. I plan to start a business. Neither of us know where funding will come from to start the business, but I really feel like everything will be okay. He was raised in a family where “stability” was getting a traditional 9-5 job working for someone else, sitting behind a desk in front of a computer. That would be so stifling to me. I was suffocate. He is a dear man. A wonderful husband and father. My best friend. I don’t want to disappoint him, but I will not be pushed into a job like that and abandon my dreams. He says he understands and he supports me, but his behavior doesn’t indicate that. He’s short with me, we’re starting to fight over ridiculous things. I don’t want to walk on egg shells, and I don’t want him to be stressed. What can I tell him to ease the tension?”
There are two answers here to AJ’s question. Again, the first response is from the Professor and the second from the female guide.
Two minds you have my child. One part of you wants to throw it all away, follow a strong need to bring in another into your life and live in a rose-covered cottage with no expectations and grow a garden. And the other side of you wants to fulfill all of those other needs of paying off the loans, have a big mortgage and have a huge career. Oh my goodness, how difficult is this for you. Which one are you?
This is what you struggle with now. Who am I? Is it my internal clock ticking, is it my career calling? And you expect me to answer this? I cannot. So, what do you do? What do you do? Well, you get in touch with who you are–a most kind, giving person willing to be there for others. That is why you even moved ahead with the loans and the career. Part of it really wasn’t even your choice and so you must now truly sit down and figure out what is your choice. You love him and want him to be in no pain. You want to answer all of the questions for him. You want to be exactly what he needs. But hold it my dear. First, you must be who you are, find your answers. You need to be open and honest with him with about your answers and that is where your fear lies. You are afraid to tell him what you want and so you have this big block inside of you that causes a great deal of discomfort. You are even finding your health is bothering you. Again, speak your truth. Take time for you. You will know.
More importantly, what she can do to ease her own tensions? There are many words being used here, but the truth is that this one does not feel that she is being seen and heard for who she is. There is much talk about money, but money is not the issue–it is just simply the code word for I am afraid. And fear is the basis of all of this. Fear of not coping, fear of not being accepted, fear of not being loved. So, clear the decks. Stop talking about money, loans and jobs. Talk to each other about who you see and how you want them to help you. Oh dearest one, you entered into this all for the expectations of other things. That is, not only the job and career, but also the relationship. What you need dear, is to take time to breathe. You feel a great burden on your body. It is starting to manifest in many ways.
You are starting to find yourself not feeling as well as you were before. Your body is manifesting issues in which to stop all things so you must listen to your own voice, hear your own heartbeat, your own breath. You are very important in the physical world. You have much to do. So, how to do this? You have to make noise. You don’t like making noise. You don’t like making ripples. You want everything to be peaceful and I don’t want to say it, but you cower from him when he speaks of expectations, and money and responsibilities. This is not what you need to hear. You need to hear that you are loved and supported and the two of you can work out that that is needed. Together, seeing the whole picture instead of you hiding from him your deep needs and he using financial things to control you. For that is what it is right now. He has seen that it works and so you quiet your inner voice.
How do you deal with this? You have to speak. You have to use your voice, your gentle wonderful being to say “I need to speak and you must hear me or at least try to hear me.” If this does not work then you must find someone else to speak to. You must put your words down to be heard in order to understand who you are. For you are indeed quite lost right now, my dear. Many issues are pulling at you. Not only your desire, your beliefs, being a woman, will I be a mother? Too much right now. You must take time right now.