Dearest one, much of what you are experiencing is the shock and difficulty of that time because you were so in the process of giving that your physical being could not tolerate all the terrible tragedy you felt. So you put it on hold. And, of course, as every anniversary comes around, every cell of your being’s memory brings it forward to feel it, to heal it. It was horrific for you. Truly your words are truth–more than you can bear. For you put it to one side for a while and now your being truly feels it can bear it and wants your mother close.
Your mother is close, my dear. She has seen her grandchildren. Knows her well. They communicate; do not worry about that. Speak to your mother whenever you need to. Whether it be in happiness, sadness or gratitude. The bond you have with your mother is not gone. In fact, it is more intensified, as the love is purer now than ever. It is not complicated by the physical barrier.
She is near, but doing what she must do. And you must do what you must do. Grow, teach, be all the things that she helped you to be. You must now be these for your child. And this way, your child will know her more and more. There is no end, my dearest. It is a circle within a circle. All things are known. Your child will help you to learn this. Trust.