Wondering – I always felt my grandma didn’t really love me. She would run off and leave me and my brother alone for several days.
I loved her, or shall I say I needed her. I wish I didn’t need her love at the time. I was only able to go out into the world after I told myself that everyone was not like she was. I always wondered why the love I received from my great grand ma did not override the love I felt I needed from my grandma. I came to hate her and treat her badly when I decided the way she treated and raised me was the cause of my being a loner.
None of it matters now since she is dead, but I want to have an understanding about all that took place. She said I blamed her when I really wanted to blame my mom.
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Dearest one, this is very wonderful for you–to write, to speak, to think about.
Can you place it in a place that is not holding you back? You have already successfully succeeded in all of this, but it still holds you. For you feel it is why you cannot love or be loved. In truth, there is part of that. But you are the only one who can change it. You see, that that was is still alive and happening within you if you continue to go back over it and use words like “hate”. It holds you stronger than anything else.
You have many questions about your early life. I am going to tell you something of who you be. You are a being, a very evolved being, that came into this life to help others grow and to learn and to receive a terribly traumatic experience, to learn it. And to create a balance within you. Only beings that are strong enough to do so do this. And thus you are.
You are strong enough to live through this, to know who is wise and who will make the ultimate decision of what you be or how you be.
These things can only hold you back if you allow them to. If you are willing to choose to forgive your grandmother, your mother and many of the beings that created great chaos around you in early life, when you are willing to forgive them.
And forgiveness doesn’t mean you accept the way they treated you or the conditions under which you lived, but you forgive them because you know that they were human. They had frailties and difficulties and you can see them as separate from you, not having control over you. And your heart will open to them and it will open to yourself. And in that you will gain greater strength and understanding of who you be.
And yes, it’s true, you do fear being judged. That does come from them, but that’s not the worst thing. There are many parts of you much greater and stronger than this.
And do, dearest one, understand that the only thing you can change about that that was is how it affects you. And in changing that you change the past. You have the possibility of creating what you want it to be. You see, blessed one, you have greater power than you have any understanding of. You are the healer of you. You must love your being–as a mother, grandmother, great grandmother, ancient wise woman.
Love yourself and you need it not from anyone else. But then, whole and balanced, you can attract to you a being, a partner. Create a reality that is that that you choose. Bless you, my child.