You often counsel: “You can only choose for your own path” and this makes great sense to me intellectually. But I often find I struggle with the practical application, especially for my children as they become adults. I have spent so many years, in effect, choosing their path — what I feed them, how I run the house, the schools they go to, the experiences I expose them to, what I pay for. Now that they are young adults — and making their own choices, some of which I don’t agree with, I find it hard to stand by and watch, particularly about both daughters’ decisions to delay seeking higher education. Plus, I am getting a lot of pressure from my own aged-parents to somehow convince my girls to alter their choices.
I feel torn between my old life and beliefs and how I was raised, which very much came from parental approval of choices, and this new arising awareness to let them find their path, even if they flounder for awhile in finding it. How do I act day to day and deal with my girls and my parents while trying to live these emerging beliefs?
The guide’s response:
Blessed mother, bless you for all of the love you have for your children and your parents and all of their beliefs and understandings. Bless you for seeking your own growth. The path of a mother is an amazing grace — to nurture, to love, to protect, to bring them to the time when they are ready to spread their wings, and to trust that you have done all you could, that they will soar.
The greatest gift is that they do not need any more information from you, other than love. No, your children are not quite there yet. But trust in the fact that you have already given them a wonderful feeling of support, and permanence and goodness. You have lived a life that has taught them many things and that is truly what they learn. You have looked deep into their souls and they into yours, and the bond is much greater than any conversation about education.
Each will know what they need to do and I know it is frightening to accept their wisdom, but try to. Speak openly about it, that you trust in them, and they may in turn thus round their decision a little more in your favor.
As for your blessed parents, thank them for who they be and also know that you lived under quite strict rules and only now are blossoming into the true spirit that you be. You may giggle now at some of the thoughts you had that you were never able to speak about. It is a very complex role, motherhood, complex in the desire of the physical world to make it so. And in truth, love is the complete role of mother. To love them enough to give up your life for them, to love them enough to let them soar, to see how beautiful they are.
And are you not pleased that they have a temper and a will of their own and that they are open enough to say what they want, or need? It may not be what they choose to do, especially if you do not listen. But if you listen, create conversations, always communicate — then when they stand at the edge of the nest ready to go, you will be alright.
Yes, my dear, you are only responsible for your own path and for a while they were on yours. But the time will come when they will fly. Trust in it. Mothering is the only role where there is a time where you are responsible for them, even more so than a father. The father’s love and growth and attention comes from a distance, not nearly as close, but we do not need to get into that right now.
Bless you mother, and trust. And stand back and laugh — for it is a joyous thing to behold, the love and the growth of life.